A Snowball's Guide to Hell

Skyrim made me do it

2012-01-11T15:06:00.001+13:00

Sorry, I haven't posted much over the last month. There are 3 reasons why not: Skyrim, Skyrim and Skyrim.

Surely I'm not the only one that thinks Rockstar Games suck?

2012-01-11T15:02:00.002+13:00

Each time Rockstar Games release a new sandbox game the hype leading up to it is intense. My first experience was with GTA IV. The critics were creaming their pants. Disturbed nerds the world over were creaming their pants because they could screw a hooker in a car then beat her up. And gamers the world over were transfixed by a world that was a bit like the real world except with crap graphics and their own avatars - not sociopaths on the news - were committing heinous crimes.

There's an esoteric reason why I don't like Rockstar's games which is that mainly that I see my console as an escape from real life where I get to do things that I can't do in real life. Sure, I certainly will never screw a hooker in a car, or beat her to a bloody pulp afterwards but the fact remains that I could and there are plenty of sick psycho fucks that do. That really doesn't appeal to me.

The kind of things that I want to do that I can't do in real life are fly spaceships, fight dragons, explore new worlds, use magic, shoot blasters, buy weird intergalactic tat from space station souvenir shops. I also want to do those things in believable worlds, not poorly rendered versions of my current reality. I'd much sooner visit LA than play a game set in LA. I can't visit the Citadel or Skyrim, so the games are the best thing I've got!

So let's back to Rockstars games. I mentioned it started with GTA IV. I played it for probably 8-10 hours across a couple of sessions. It might have been non-linear with me choosing where and what I do and that might suit some people but I found the narrative really unengaging because it was hard to follow as a result and the missions were repetitive and generally dull as dishwater.

Then I got Red Dead Redemption because the hype was MASSIVE. And lo and behold, it was just GTA again with horses instead of cars and dusty tracks instead of roads. And it sucked balls big time because it was just so fucking dreary.

Weirdly, despite thinking GTA IV and RDR were both crap I recently decided to get LA Noire - it had been hyped again and I had (Rockstar fanboi) friends urging me to get it saying "it's totally different. You get to interrogate people...". It's not fucking different. It's the same old shite, except this time they've got some well voiced but horrible rendered NPCs twitching uncontrollably when they tell a lie. No subtlety. Shit criminals who roll at the first sign of a tough question and quite ludicrous crimes that they've committed. It's rubbish. People lie to my face every day so I don't really want to role play it, plus real people do it much more convincingly than the twitchy motherfuckers in LA Noire.

Next time a Rockstar Games game comes out please yell at me... "Don't buy it, regardless of the hype. YOU WILL HATE IT!"

Daily Boris: Manticore

2011-12-09T20:59:00.001+13:00

Elephant - © Boris Vallejo 1993

Want/Need: Working, street legal Tron light bike

2011-12-01T14:25:00.001+13:00

Xmas is coming and these babies are only US$55K!

Buy one now

Daily Boris: Elephant

2011-11-29T19:26:00.001+13:00

Elephant - © Boris Vallejo 1975

Daily Boris: Bursting Out

2011-11-26T22:21:00.001+13:00

Bursting Out - © Boris Vallejo 1985

Daily Boris: Loch Ness Monster

2011-11-24T11:45:00.001+13:00

Loch Ness Monster - © Boris Vallejo 1982

Sleep When You're Dead: AC Revelations Pt.III

2011-11-23T13:57:00.001+13:00

Assassination

This is arguably the best of the free-for-all multiplayer modes as it melds the great elements of Wanted and Deathmatch. You have no designated target, so all of the other players are potential prey... And pursuers. This may sound complicated but you have a compass that shows the proximity of other players and glows when they are in line of sight. If you're smart and well-hidden you can lock onto a another player before they spot you which means you become pursuer and the become the target. To add to the excitement if you stun a pursuer they relinquish their lock on you and you can lock onto them while they're floundering on the floor and deal the killer blow - a great way of rewarding the players who have become defensive experts.

All this means is that you can stay hidden in crowds, etc and pick off your pursuers and targets effectively. Running around to hunt down other players is a sure-fire way to get yourself spotted and killed. Once you've locked onto your target your compass changes to a regular one that allows you to pursue them anywhere, but it also means that you lose the location of other players so if you're target runs and you decide to chase there's a real risk another player will spot you and hack you down before you catch up with your target. Much better to lie in wait and use your abilities to stay incognito and deftly slaughter unwitting opponents as the wander around trying to work out which NPC is you!

I've played all the free-for-all modes and all I want to play now is Assassination - and perhaps the occasional Deathmatch, that's how good it is!

Corruption

I've only played a few games of corruption but so far I'm not feeling it. Firstly, it feels much more like a team game them free-for-all; once you're corrupted (i.e. killed) you then respawn as a pursuer on a team with other 'corrupt' players. I also played a game where I remained hidden and uncorrupted for almost the entire match, as a result I got far fewer points than the players who died first and spent the bulk of the match getting kills. Maybe I'm missing the point? Sure I could have got a few more stuns but isn't the idea that you don't get killed? I achieved that for the bulk of the game and got scored less well than some idiot who died in milliseconds. Fail.

This mode doesn't do it for me and I'm probably not the only judging by the low levels of most of the players I've encountered in this mode. I gave it a chance... And it blew it.

Steal the Artifact

No thanks. Steal it yourself. I've got better things to do, like playing Assassinate and Deathmatch. Once again this feels more team game then free-for-all mode. It's a single player(ish) version of Artifact Assault - a team mode - but still plays rather like a team game; just one that you and your teammates are very selfish in! There's nothing ultimately awful about this mode it just doesn't do it for me. It's another mode that seems to encourage and reward running, jumping, climbing and generally not being stealthy or assassin-like. This is Assassin's Creed, right? Not, Thief's Creed, or Acrobat's Creed!

Read Part I
Read Part 2

Daily Boris: Primeval Princess

2011-11-23T12:04:00.001+13:00

Primeval Princess - © Boris Vallejo 1982

Sleep When You're Dead: AC Revelations Pt.II

2011-11-22T11:19:00.000+13:00

I managed a good long session in the Assassin's Creed Revelations new multiplayer modes last night and also killed a couple of birds with one hidden blade; I played every mode that ACR multiplayer has to offer and got the 'Explorer' achievement as a result.

Over the next few days I'm going to review each of the different modes before tackling the single player campaign, starting with the free-for-all modes.

Deathmatch

This is one of my favourite modes and it's new to ACR. There's no compass so you have to rely on your wits and eyesight (and a couple of hints, such as whispers and a thumping heart) to spot your victims and pursuers, though there are fewer copies of your character to confuse your pursuers, so it's not too easy to hide yourself in the crowds. The maps are small so there's no room for the frenetic building hopping and aerial kill bonanza that often occurs in Wanted, you've got to use stealth and deception to succeed. And that's what makes this mode so good. It feels like an extension of the single player campaign and exactly what Master Assassin's ought to be doing; sneaking around, carefully picking their targets off instead of racing around the maps collecting cheap kills like baseball cards. You may not get as many kills but you can win with a decent Kill/Death ratio and some high scores (made all the higher if you're effectively using your surroundings to stay hidden and incognito when you take our your opponents).

Simple Deathmatch

Ubisoft has also included a scaled down Deathmatch mode. In Simple Deathmatch there are NO doppelgangers. You're character is unique, so pretty easy to spot. Abilities are really useful to try and stay hidden, as well as cover such as haystacks and crowds but the limited maps mean that if you take a walk you'll run into your pursuers pretty quickly. It's good fun but the micro maps soon wear a bit thin.

Wanted

I want to like Wanted. I wanted to like Wanted in AC Brotherhood but despite the large maps and numerous hiding places the regular compass renders Wanted a bit of a slug fest. Wanted is the mode you play if you have no patience and just want to race around the maps wasting targets and taking a few hits yourself. The compass and designated targets encourages players to run not hide, particularly as you often spawn a long way from your next target on the large maps. There are some nice new maps (on all the modes) and some of the best ones from AC Brotherhood (Rome and Mont St. Michel for example are particular favourites) but nothing that's blown me away. I guess some DLC will change that.

If you're new to AC multiplayer then Wanted is a great training ground but if you're a purist and you enjoy the game for its key attributes - stealth, deception, patience - then you'll soon move on to Deathmatch or Assassination.

Read Part I
Read Part 3

Daily Boris: The Magnificent

2011-11-22T10:26:00.001+13:00

The Magnificent - © Boris Vallejo 1985

Nick Keller: Art of the Beast

2011-11-22T09:04:00.000+13:00

My better half interviewed Beastwars drummer, Nathan Hickey, the other day and he very kindly passed on these rather cool bits of merch. Not only is the album pretty amazing but he's introduced me to the work of Nick Keller, the artist who produces all of their album art and posters... Not to mention the Beastwars beer label.

When Nick's not making beautiful works of art for Beastwars he has one of the coolest jobs out there as a concept artist for Weta Workshop. Jealous much?!

You may have seen some of his weapon and armour designs in the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian movie but it's Nick's illustrations that have really blown me away. Check out his blog which features heaps of his artwork including cover art for NZ bands Beastwars and Heresiarch: http://nickbkeller.blogspot.com/2011/03/beastwars.html

Daily Boris: Basilisk

2011-11-21T14:08:00.001+13:00

Basilisk - © Boris Vallejo 1990

Sleep When You're Dead: AC Revelations

2011-11-20T20:16:00.000+13:00

I don't think enough people read my blog presently for me to earn an advance copy of Assassin's Creed Revelations and with a job and family I don't get as much time to play as I'd like so I don't feel I can adequately review the game in full right now. Instead I'd like to write an ongoing live review as I truck through the game's content. I should add at this point that I'm a serial completionist so I intend to cover pretty much everything by the end of the review.

In the lead up to the game's release the developers, Ubisoft, pushed the multiplayer mode over the single player campaign

The multiplayer mode in AC Brotherhood was very well received but had some well-publicised deficiencies that serious gamers didn't like. In particular, that stealth and deception - during most of the game modes (Manhunt, Wanted, Assassination, etc) - played second fiddle to simply running about very fast and getting lots of cheap kills. The ability to stun an attacker was also frequently over-ridden by the attacker's assassination attempt no matter how intuitive the target was with their stun. Since the whole premise of the franchise is stealth and deception, I don't think the developers had intended their multiplayer to have quite such an arcade feel.

Despite this AC Brotherhood's multiplayer mode was successful; perhaps not quite up there with multiplayer behemoths like Modern Warfare and Gears of War but fun nevertheless. As a result Ubisoft were keen to fix the issues with AC's multiplayer and create an experience that would challenge the biggest names in online gaming. So far I've played a new MP mode called Deathmatch and Brotherhood staple, Wanted; and the results have been very promising with stealth certainly paying off and a nice addition in the form of 'contested kills' which gives a target some points if they managed to get a stun attempt in as their attacker strikes.

Deathmatch is pretty cool. It's very similar to Wanted but is played in a greatly reduced map with no compass, so you have to rely on recognising your target's character type. With the usual doppelgangers throughout the smaller map is appreciated when you're hunting without a compass and makes the game pretty tense and exciting with hunters and hunted penned in tightly together. It means that stealth is absolutely imperative to hide from attackers and launch your own attacks. It feels exactly like AC multiplayer ought to be; fast, frenetic, tense and loaded with awesome kills.

I'll report back on Wanted when I've played it a bit more but I've enjoyed it so far, though it doesn't seem hugely different to the same mode in Brotherhood. I also want to give the single player Story Mode a bit more time. Though I must say the cut scenes I've watched so far have been outrageously cool but some of the gameplay has felt a little bumpy compared to its predecessor with some graphical hiccups occurring and some of Ezio's movement seeming less fluid and natural then the characterisation in Brotherhood. The missions I've played so far haven't offered anything new but I've barely scratched the surface which is why I want to give the single player a bit more time before passing judgement. Good news is, I'm keen to see more!

Keep checking back and, as I get through the game, I'll post my thoughts on the bits of played.

Read Part 2
Read Part 3

Daily Boris: The Mountain Beast

2011-11-20T12:35:00.001+13:00

The Mountain Beast - © Boris Vallejo 1983

Want/Need: ME3 N7 Collector's Edition

2011-11-19T09:20:00.001+13:00

Definitely excited about this now! Exclusive look at the content of the Mass Effect 3 N7 Collector's Edition.

Daily Boris: Tarzan and the Forbidden City

2011-11-19T09:09:00.001+13:00

Tarzan and the Forbidden City - © Boris Vallejo 1980

Daily Boris: Leather Jacket

2011-11-17T14:16:00.000+13:00

Leather Jacket - © Boris Vallejo 1980

This is very cool: Earth from Space

2011-11-17T12:28:00.001+13:00

Earth | Time Lapse View from Space, Fly Over | NASA, ISS from Michael König on Vimeo.

This is amazing. The Aurora Borealis is spectacular but the electrical storms completely blew me away.

Want/Need: Song of Ice and Fire Special Edition hardbacks

2011-11-16T12:13:00.001+13:00

I've got this one, and it's beautiful but what I really want/need is the whole set. My library won't be complete without it!

If it ain't broke, remake it

2011-11-15T14:57:00.001+13:00

It seems Hollywood has run out of ideas. You can't open a cinema listings magazine these days without finding a plethora of remakes (or a the very least some obvious homages). It doesn't really bother me, especially if the remake is good, though to tell you the truth the good ones are few and far between. Peter Jackson's blockbuster remake of King Kong didn't really cut the mustard, though it was pretty true to the source material and Stephen Kay's (who?) remake of Get Carter - replacing a young Michael Caine with Sly Stallone - is just a fucking embarrassment.

I'm quite excited about David Fincher's upcoming remake of the The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo; the original Swedish language version was excellent but I don't think a bit of Fincher's pace and style will be a bad thing to add to the mix. I also highly rated Let Me In - the disturbing tale of a boy whose only friend is a young vampire girl - which, oddly, was a remake of another Swedish film Låt den rätte komma in and Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead remake gets a worthy mention.

We may still be asking ourselves, why can't Hollywood stop taking the easy option and commission some new writing but movies are big business and there will always be those who will perennially opt for the safe option and those who will take big risks and push the boundaries. I reckon there can be value in remakes when done well but are there any movies that should be off limits? Sacrosanct, protected from evil movie producers' money grabbing mitts. There are a few movies where the risk of a bad remake is too great for me to contemplate: The Star Wars Trilogy (not the prequels, they can fuck off and die), Bladerunner, Alien and Aliens (sorry Dave, but your Alien 3 can piss off to the place where the Star Wars prequels have gone to die), Seven, Highlander (just the first one, the rest didn't deserve to see the light of day in the first place), The Goonies, Raiders of the Lost Ark (though it would be nice of mssrs Spielberg and Lucas could unmake Crystal Skull).

I was going to add LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring, but to tell you the truth I could live without hearing Sean Astin's terrible Ooo-arrrr, West Cunt-ree accent ever again. There are also a few movies I wish had never been made at all; did I mention the Star Wars prequels? I could live without the entire Pirates of the Caribbean franchise; Johnny Depp's rolling stone pirate was a bearable bit part in the first movie but leading man? Fuck that, pass me the quaaludes. Perhaps the movies I wish more than any other had not got made are the sequels to The Matrix. The Matrix was epic, brilliant and beautifully made. The sequels were so painfully bad they almost ruined the first film for me. Wachowski brothers, you owe me an apology (and about 4 hours of my life).

Top 10: Coolest guns of all time

2011-11-14T17:43:00.001+13:00

10) Planet terror: Cherry's Machine Gun Leg

Tarantino's grindhouse movie Planet Terror, was okay. Mainly because it had the very hot Rose McGowan playing Cherry, a one-legged stripper, with a machine gun attached to her stump. Choice.

9) Hellboy: Samaritan

He's big and red and the gun is also big. Pity he couldn't shoot an elephant with a blunderbuss in the movie. Seems a bit of a waste when you've got a cool pistola.

8) Good the Bad and the Ugly: Smith and Wesson revolver rifle

Everyone thought Clint was cool as shit but Lee van Cleef was the ultimate badass in The Good the Bad and the Ugly. He's hybrid revolver rifle was pretty cool too.

7) Dead Space: Line Gun

If you've got a ship fall of undead crew members that need laying waste look no further than a Line Gun. This bad boy was designed for slicing rocks but will do a decent job of slicing Necromorphs by the bucket load. The ALT fire is pretty crazy too, a sort of Van Der Graff generator of death to the undead.

6) Assassin's Creed: Ezio's Hidden Pistol

If I was hopping across the roofs of 15th Century Florence I would also have a hidden gun up my sleeve activated by a flick of the wrist. Ezio's hidden blades are pretty sweet too.

5) James Bond: Scaramanga's Golden Gun

Christopher Lee made James Bond look like an uncouth yob. He oozed style and owned a one-shot pistol that was made from four things in every 1970s gentleman's pockets; a classy fountain pen, cigarette lighter and case and a cufflink. You'd have to be mad not to want one of these.

4) Gears of War: Lancer

It's got a chainsaw on it, 'nuff said.

3) Aliens: M41A assault rifle

Michael Biehn was cool as ice in the 80s. And he had one of these bad boys in Aliens. That's the stuff heroes are made of.

2) Star Wars: Han Solo's blaster

He was pretty much the coolest dude ever when I was growing up, so even though the gun looks like a weathered water pistol it still rates right up there in my book.

1) Dirty Harry: 44 Magnum

I know what you're thinking, punk. No gun is more badass than Harry's .44 Magnum... And for the record, he's only fired 5 shots Scorpio, you whiney little f*ck!

G36C or Boomshot? What would you choose?

2011-11-14T14:36:00.001+13:00

I switched on my xbox over the weekend to see if I could finally get the time consuming but very great fun 'Enriched and fortified' achievement on Gears of War 3, only to find that pretty much all the people I've every played a game online with were playing Modern Warfare 3. No doubt I'll play it at some point and no doubt I'll enjoy it as I have all of the other COD games but I never find myself coming back to them time and time again.

Like many of my mates I do prefer first person to third but still MW3's multiplayer doesn't appeal and the reason is a little more complicated. It's all about content. I don't play video games because I love technology. I don't play them because I want to beat everyone else in Deathmatch, or have the highest K/D ratio. I play video games because it's an escape from reality. Not that my reality is so terrible I feel I must escape - far from it - but simply that when I take some time out from work, family, life I want to be transported to somewhere else. Somewhere fantastic. Whether it's the brooding corridors of the Ishimura in Dead Space, the DC wasteland in Fallout 3 or the diverse and colourful worlds in Mass Effect, my real need from the game is to find myself in a world that doesn't reflect the ordinary.

I see enough of modern warfare on the news, I've learned about the bloody and terrible battles of both world wars and there's grand thefts of autos on streets in my city every day, so the last thing I want to do when I aim to recharge my batteries is intensely experience modern or historical warfare or virtually beat a hooker to death and steal a car. No, that simply doesn't appeal.

Give me Locusts, Drudges, Collectors, Geth, Deathclaws, Dragons, Elves, Necromorphs and the Splicer and I'm in a happy place. You know what would be fun? MW3 vs Any of my favourites... How long do you think a guy with a G36C assault rifle and a kevlar vest would last against some plasmids, a Boomshot, or Line Gun? I'll stick with epic unreality thank you very much!

Moustair: My New Favourite Blog

2011-11-10T11:30:00.001+13:00

All the best blogs belong to people with too much free time but this one is quite simply amazing. Thanks to the indomitable Dave Farrier for the heads up. http://moustair.tumblr.com

Want/Need: Star Wars Moleskine

2011-11-10T11:11:00.002+13:00

I love a good notebook but how cool are these Star Wars Moleskines?

Want/Need: Millenium Falcon Haynes Manual

2011-11-09T18:32:00.001+13:00

Check out this cool sample from the manual on BookDepository.co.uk by clicking here

Sleep When You're Dead: Why Mass Effect is so good

2011-11-07T18:24:00.002+13:00

One of my earliest memories is of my mum reading The Hobbit to me at bedtime. I'm not sure how old I was but probably young enough to be terrified by trolls, orcs and dragons but I think I must have made her read it to me dozens of times. As soon as I could grasp it on my own I was reading The Lord of the Rings, over and over and over again. It's a habit of mine to obsess over the things I really like. Tolkien's world was so incredibly rich with detail I could immerse myself in it. There was always more reference material, not only in the numerous historical and mythological books the great man penned himself but also from endless other authors who clearly shared my passion (some with more efficacy than others!)

The reason I loved it so much is that all the questions my imagination could throw up - what is Sauron's history? How did the Elves reach Middle Earth? Who was Turin? - were answered.

It's for these reasons that I find Mass Effect so absorbing. The game's developers, Bioware have done the a great job trying to answer the questions that our imaginations will want answered during the course of the story. Obviously not to the extent that Middle Earth has been mapped, fleshed out and described by hundreds of voices in a multitude of media but still with great detail. The combat is fun, but to be honest I could take it or leave it. I see the action as just a series of set pieces to lead the player through the story. The real fun is being able to make that story your own in a believable world.

The Citadel sums up why I love the Mass Effect universe so much. The same thing that makes it a little bit boring, also makes it so enjoyable. You can runaround talking to people who run shops, sit at big desks in a bank, stand eternally at the door of a strip club. It's the attention to detail. A reminder that this universe is more than just a series of adrenalin-fuelled, combat set pieces.

There are limitations of course so our imagination has to fill the gaps: We're limited by dialogue which at times feel like it was penned by some greasy adolescent with more testosterone than sense, we're limited by the technology to a world that sometimes 'loads' before our eyes and is populated by people that are happy to have the same conversation 500 times. That said, if you play the game as it is intended, immerse yourself and avoid Groundhog Day conversations it is a truly epic experience.

I've explored every inch of both games and achieved every achievement but my first playthrough, and my most valuable 'save' is the first time I played both Mass Effect and its follow up. I reserve this save for my first untainted experience of each game by playing through with no thought of achievements. I just want to experience the world and raw narrative.

Of course, the story is a bit cheesy at times and as I mentioned some of the dialogue is atrocious but my imagination makes up for those and visually the game does the rest... It's just that good. The only bad thing I can foresee with Mass Effect 3 is that the trilogy will be over but sleep will go on hold for a couple of weeks in March when it arrives!

Five plot holes in 'Drive' and why they don't matter [spoilers]

2011-11-07T10:05:00.001+13:00

1) Seriously, what good is a getaway driver - no matter how good - who parks up and hops out of the car after precisely 5 minutes regardless of whether his crook hirers have reached their destination? A prima donna pain-in-the ass like that wouldn't last long in the criminal underworld.

2) For someone who piously tells his prospective clients he won't carry a gun it doesn't take much to set him on a path of multiple brutal murders.

3) For the entire movie he is portrayed as calm, clever and calculating yet when faced with a gun-toting thug in an elevator he dispassionately dispatches him with a few too many boots to the face. The blood splatter and DNA guys, not to mention the CSI that checks for CCTV footage, would have a field day. Lucky he doesn't have a name or they'd have caught him before the end of the movie.

4) After Bernie tenderly slits Shannon's wrist why doesn't he look in the boot of the car that Shannon was just about to make his getaway in? Seems rather obvious, doesn't it? If he had he would have discovered the missing cash and all would have been tickety-boo.

5) This one's not really a plot hole, it's just a bit weird: The dancers backstage at the strip club seem entirely unmoved when 'the driver' is holding a hammer over Cook's face with a live bullet shoved into his mouth.

So with all that in mind you might think this film is a bit ludicrous and yes, I suppose it is, but in the tradition of Tarantino and Elmore Leonard the stark brutality and the slick 80s pastiche really work. It's Miami Vice on crack. Ryan Gosling is good as the nameless driver, though he probably has less than a page of dialogue in the whole movie but the really show stealers are Albert Brooks and Ron Perlman as the brutish gangsters that turn the heartwarming tale of love and redemption between Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan, upside down.

Despite the frailties of the plot Drive relentlessly steers you to a bloody ending and thankfully doesn't stop the car and bugger off after 5 minutes.

Sleep When You're Dead: Beastwars

2011-11-06T09:53:00.000+13:00

There are no lie ins when you've got a two and a half year old but sometimes you have to just say 'fuck it, I'll sleep when I'm dead'. One such occasion is when Beastwars come to town. Their show at 4:20 on Auckland's K Road last night was excellent and its so good to see one of New Zealand's metal bands finally getting the praise they deserve. Some of the fanbois didn't seem that happy that the mainstream have cottoned on to Beastwars - no doubt due in part to the avid promotion from TV3's @davidfarrier - but I say it can only be a good thing for New Zealand's metal scene to start making waves.

Not only do Beastwars look like the cast from Game of Thrones they're also a bloody good live act, they've released a great album and more importantly have insanely good cover art (see above). They also have a beer. Pretty cool - particularly as it has the picture above on the label. Hail to the Beast.

Angus McBride

2011-11-05T16:48:00.003+13:00

On a recent trip back to the UK I discovered some drawings I'd done at school. This one is a copy I made of an illustration by the late great Angus McBride... I must have been 11 or 12 when I did it.

Angus McBride was on of the most influential illustrators on me, not just as I was growing up but even now. It was the amazing illustrations he did for Iron Crown's M.E.R.P. (Middle Earth Role Playing game) that captured my imagination. I never really got into the game but was (and still am) obsessed by Lord of the Rings and persuaded my poor mum to spend too much of her cash buying anything to do with LOTR that I could get my hands on.

Here are a few of the illustrations I remember best, starting with the Nâzgul at Rivendell illustration (I think it was from a Rivendell campaign book for MERP) that I copied as a youngster. What I always loved about all of his paintings was his ability to capture my imagination so perfectly.

Nâzgul at Rivendell

The Witch King of Angmar

The Rohirrim

Dunedan

Balin's Tomb

An Unexpected Interest in Technology

2011-11-05T14:23:00.000+13:00

I've seen a fair few movies since the latest 3D technology boom that have been rendered almost unwatchable by the poor 3D. One or two have succeeded though and, in the case of Avatar and Beowulf, the mind-boggling 3D effects brought some fairly average scripts to life. I'm not a nay-sayer of 3D - I love it when it works - but I'm highly critical of 3D for 3D's sake (or for the sake of a few extra bucks at the box office).

If there's one director out there that I would trust to use 3D technology wisely, it's Peter Jackson - whose Lord of the Rings trilogy is probably the finest piece of fantasy filmmaking around. He's currently making Tolkien's prequel to LOTR, The Hobbit, the first part of which 'An Unexpected Journey' comes out this time next year. In the movie's latest blog the director and crew unravel the complex mystery of 3D filming and it's actually pretty amazing. If the movie is half as good as they make it sound then it'll be worth more than a few visits to IMAX.

Skull Hand

2011-11-04T19:53:00.000+13:00

I had my first tattoo at sixteen. I don't think it was done as a rebellious act, though my mum certainly believed (and probably still does) that it was. No, I think it was actually an effort to be cool. I wanted to be the cool kid who took risks. I guess the irony is that the non-conformist in 2011 is the guy or girl who doesn't get a tattoo.

Anyway, what started out as a statement is now something I love. Good tattoos are as mind-blowing as bad tattoos are heinous. I'm very happy with my new tattoo or 'hand skull' is my little boy calls it. Big thanks to Stefan Sinclair at Two Hands Tattoo in Auckland, New Zealand for his exemplar work and for turning my sketch into something pretty special.

Would you rather your kid was a drug dealer or a junkie?

2011-11-04T14:50:00.000+13:00

I have a totally new respect for this guy since seeing his 'This Filthy World' stage show in Auckland this week. He was witty, poignant, sometimes hilarious and his expected trashiness was more charming than offensive, and he has clearly - from his brilliant accounts - lived a fascinating life.

His show spanned a movie career that has pushed the boundaries, challenged acceptability and entertained (some of) us for the best part of 4 decades. His filmography is mindblowing and it's easy to forget what an impact he's made on cinema which he's quick to remind us during the show, though never in an egomaniacal way.

Not only did he have me laughing out loud on many occasions but some of his stories - about his friends, actors and actresses and his (clearly very accepting parents) - were moving as well.

I don't want to give anything away but one thing I will remember is a little bit of John Waters' advice:

If your kids are a bad influence, it's a good thing. It's better to lead than be led - in his words "Would you rather you're kid was a drug dealer or a junkie?"

Top 10 movies

2011-11-04T13:34:00.002+13:00

I'm about to go and see Drive this weekend on the recommendation of a good friend (and TV entertainment reporter) - he claims it is the best movie of this year (I will reserve judgement until I've seen it) - and it made me think about what my favourite movies of all time are.

It's incredibly hard picking just ten favourites, although I should probably make it clear that my 10 are based on more than just the quality of the film but also on the impact it had on me. I admit I've probably forgotten one or two that should be in so feel free to chime in with some of your own suggestions. If I like them, I'll change my post!

I'll count down from 10.

10) Pulp Fiction

9) Raiders of the Lost Ark

8) Goodfellas

7) No Country for Old Men

6) Fight Club

5) Aliens (sorry Ridley, but you got number 1 so it's only fair!)

4) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

3) Empire Strikes Back

2) Se7en

1) Blade Runner

Gears of Bore

2011-11-03T17:31:00.001+13:00

I love a good shooter and Gears of War 3 is right up there with the best of them, not because it has a great story (which it seriously doesn't thanks to the shit, one dimensional characters), but because it is visually spectacular and has an offline co-op mode. There's nothing better than having a few drinks, some heart attack food and sniping some aliens in the head with a good mate. That said, I decided to give the multiplayer a whirl whilst waiting for a mate with a spare few hours to come over to co-op (it gets harder as you get older to find time to see anybody!) and boy was I disappointed. The Team Deathmatch looks (and should be) the perfect opportunity for some strategic combat with a team of five other onliners but it is not. Noooo, it's far from it. Instead of the fun strategic game you're hoping for game developers, Epic, have catered for fourteen year olds with two strange foibles.

No.1 - You can forward roll through a hail of bullets right up in the face of your opponent

No.2 - Once you've forward rolled a few times you can blast your sawn-off shot gun in the general direction of the opposing team member and blast them into a million bits.

All this serves to do is ruin the game for those of us interested in setting up well-protected areas of cover and crossfire. Seems a bit ridiculous that those with the highest Kill/Death ratios are fourteen year olds who roll gung-ho about the maps blasting everything in sight at short range with a sawn off. Epic... Sort shit out.

Immortals

2011-11-03T15:13:00.006+13:00

With the imminent release of 'Immortals' - a retelling of the Greek myth of Theseus (though I have no idea how closely they will stick to the original story) - I thought it would be cool to post a reproduction of one of my favourite paintings of all time. Edwarde Burne-Jones' Perseus slaying the dragon. It's a truly beautiful painting - what a pity Perseus' movie outings in 'Clash of the Titans' and it's horrible remake couldn't capture the intensity and atmosphere over 90 minutes of film and effects that Burne-Jones captures with his brush.

Sleep when you're dead: two good ways to spend your cash in November

2011-11-03T14:45:00.004+13:00

Seriously looking forward to these in November... Just wish I had some time to play them! Might have to sneak a few late night sessions - I'll sleep when I'm dead.

My son the Wolf

2011-11-03T14:39:00.001+13:00

My little boy would make an excellent Stark!

Volpin Props

2011-11-03T14:09:00.003+13:00

I could watch these guys in action all day. Amazing. Wish I had the time, wherewithall and the equipment to build stuff like this. I totally missed my calling! I would probably get thrown out of the house if I converted one of the rooms into a workshop and built Mass Effect guns though.

There's other cool stuff on their website: http://volpinprops.blogspot.com/

El Día de los Muertos

2011-11-03T14:06:00.003+13:00

This is a very choice tattoo by Miami Ink. I have a plan to ref it using a photo of my beautiful lady with the Day of the Dead skull face paint. If it gets done I'll post it here.

I'm a geek and proud of it! There I said it.

2011-11-03T11:50:00.003+13:00

You know what? I've failed in numerous attempts to write a decent, engaging blog. But do you know why? Probably for the same reason loads of other blogs are boring, unengaging and pompous... My heart just wasn't in it. In fact, not just was my heart not in it but I wasn't true to myself. I blogged about things I thought sounded cool, or I thought might interest other people. I tried to second guess the readers (of which there were none) instead of just blogging about the things that make me laugh, cry, get angry, etc, etc. So from no on, I'm just going to post about the truth, at least my truth. I'm also going to accept the fact that despite having a great kid, a gorgeous wife and a pretty cool job I'm basically a geek... And I love it.

Jest star... Are they having a laugh?

2009-07-17T11:08:00.003+12:00

Yes, Jet Star... The cheap domestic carrier in New Zealand with a lot to prove... And failing. I traveled to Wellington on Wednesday for a presentation. My hosts booked my flights - Air NZ on the way down and the return flight on Jet Star.

No problems with Air NZ but a, wait for it, 3 hour delay on the return leg. Pretty crap when the journey is only an hour long. I was furious. Wellington airport didn't even have enough seats for the stranded passengers.

That's the first and last time I fly Jet Star.

A Man's Shed

2009-06-10T14:34:00.003+12:00

As well as being a stay-at-home dad I work from home. One of the most important things about working from home is creating an environment that allows you to separate work from home life. A man's shed is the perfect way to do that. I'm very proud of my shed. I didn't build it, but I lined it, carpeted it, built the workstation and painted it.

I will post a picture or two one of these days. My shed is my office, it is also a place where I can put all the toys that my wife would prefer not to see in the house... And frankly, I like it that way too. My Xbox, my countless guitars, my studio, are all great toys but not particularly beautiful things. Our house stays pretty my shed is functional... And I love it! Instead of dispensing with my pastimes - as many men are wont to do when their better halves insist the old guitar go, or the giant stereo be replaced by an ipod dock, or the surround 5.1 sound takes up too much room - I get to indulge them everyday when my baby's asleep... Assuming there's no work to be done.

Of course the ultimate goal is to turn one of my pastimes into a career... The problem I face is which pastime? My poor shed is crammed with so much stuff - 5 guitars, guitar pedals, computers, Xbox, Playstations, drawing board, easel, canvases, brushes, pens, paper!! There's barely room for me. Sooner or later I hope that I will focus enough on just one of these hobbies to bring it to fruition.

I have not been idle

2009-06-05T09:59:00.003+12:00

It may seem that I have since my last post was in early May, but I have, surprisingly, been working (as well as babysitting) so haven't had a lot of time. More soon though - apologies to everyone who has been following my posts so far.

The digital age

2009-05-11T18:07:00.003+12:00

My son reached four months and one week old today. Quite a milestone when you consider how much he has changed. Indeed he is hardly recognisable from the gurgling imp that we brought home in January this year from the hospital. It's truly bizarre but you know what, I am enormously grateful for digital cameras (and video cameras) - because we're not worried about processing film we've been able to record the very best (and worst) of the little mite and great detail.

I am so worried about forgetting you see... I mean I look at him today and see the same tiny baby I met on the day he was born, but he's not - he's completely different. He no longer looks like his dad for a start and strongly resembles his mum. Mostly he's just bigger and he smiles a lot more and cries a lot less. But how quickly we forget. Maybe it's evolution working hard to make us forget how tough they are as newborns to encourage us to procreate as often as possible! I'm glad we have the digital records of his screaming hideousness during his first couple of months of life - it is great material to remind us both that we only wanted one child!

New Zealand Idol

2009-05-06T12:40:00.009+12:00

http://www.flicks.co.nz/news/jacksons-nazi-zombies-kill-jesus/

Peter Jackson... You are my idol! Please let me work on this movie!!

Bad religion

2009-05-05T22:38:00.007+12:00

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/crime/2383955/Makutu-case-Divine-healer-testifies

This is a prime example of why the state must remain separate from religion.

These people accidentally killed a young woman because they mistakenly believe she was cursed and possessed and tried to excorcise her demons. I'm not saying mistakenly because I don't believe in curses or possession (which I don't) but because the concrete statue she stole, which led the Maori elders to believe she was cursed, was bought new at auction in the 90's (1990s not 1890s!!) and was definitely not an ancient Maori relic as they believed.

If - and I hope there is really very little chance - they find these people not guilty we are basically setting ourselves up for every psychotic crackpot to say 'god told me to do it' when they've committed some heinous crime, and get away with it. Okay, I know George W. Bush tried to get away with saying god told him to do it - but it is wrong. If you believe in a god that tells you to murder, kill, rape, or otherwise harm other people, then you have some serious problems. Personally, I am sure god/s are a load of ancient clap trap - it's pretty scary that a huge percentage of the world's population actually believe in the end of the world - and that that is a good thing - but that's another story. At the end of the day moral code from god is one thing - if it works for you, fine - but we cannot overturn our laws because of bronze age beliefs. Not now, not ever.

Jesus was a cylon

2009-04-30T19:25:00.004+12:00

He died. He was resurrected... Just like a cylon! Ergo... Jesus was a cylon!

I've recently been off my feet for a couple of weeks following foot surgery and it's given me the chance to catch up on some TV I missed out on first time round. In particular, Battlestar Galactica. Now I'll be honest, when I saw this had come out I dismissed it thinking it was going to be a lame remake of one of my favourite childhood shows. I was wrong and I'm happy to admit it. This show has really surprised me. It's engaging, looks great and has some half decent performances in it. Even James Callis' irritating English accent has grown on me... As has the depth of his character, Gaius Baltar. Sometimes cliched but hey, who cares. You begin to genuinely like (most) of the characters and feel for the their plight. It doesn't matter that it's sci fi - that's just the arena for what turns out to be a really good story.

Watch it, enjoy it and don't forget... Jesus was a cylon (or maybe a zombie).

Relief... No, not that kind!

2009-04-26T22:26:00.003+12:00

Well, I haven't posted for a few days. Mainly because since returning home from hospital I haven't felt that flash... I've been house bound, and arm chair bound with my foot elevated and very little mobility. My laptop is here next to me but I've been in a fair bit of pain... Enough, to dampen my motivation to write. Which is a pity because I've got a lot of free time!

Getting a bit sick of not being able to hop up and cuddle my baby boy. Getting a bit sick of not being able to do very much of anything. Quite enjoying catching up on Battlestar Gallactica and The Wire... Not to mention a few XBox titles (Far Cry 2 and Condemned 2).

I have had some ideas for a new graphic novel which I'm quite excited about and have got some plans for a short story I've been working so I haven't been entirely unproductive. More tomorrow.

Bizarre hospital triptych of weirdness

2009-04-22T18:13:00.005+12:00

I have just had the misfortune to spend 2 days in hospital following surgery on a surfing injury (nothing life threatening just irritating). My recovery ward was the scene of one of the strangest group of three people I've ever shared a space with.

Opposite me was a 76 year-old Cook Islander. A talkative chap who seemed keen to tell us all about the many ailments (most fatal) that he is riddled with. Also very keen to tell us all about how these were all contracted from New Zealand hospitals (including his lung cancer and gall stones... Not sure how you contract these in a hospital?).

Next to him a slightly younger man of 64 years. A bright, chirpy chap who had broken his leg falling down the stairs - at least he seemed bright and chirpy until he started chatting with death-bed Cook Islander and burst into tears. He then went into great detail about how his wife could not cope with his post traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS), developed following his brother's suicide 18 years earlier. His wife is also going deaf and blind which he is not coping with because of PTSS - Catch 22.

Throughout all of this it comes to light that he's also conducting some kind of affair with another woman - at whose house he had fallen - and has an estranged daughter, a presbyterian minister! What amazed me is that as he spoke he read snippets of poetry he had been composing which was full of godly gobbledigook (Take god's hand, follow his light.... blah, blah). How could anyone still believe in god after all the shit happening to him? He even said out loud, and I quote: "I'm finding it hard coping with my wife going deaf and blind but god has a reason for this" - What???? I really wanted to yell out at him... What kind of benevolent supreme being could have any reason to inflict deafness and blindness on someone - on anyone! The same god that allowed the holocaust to happen, I guess. Excuse my french, but that is fucking ridiculous!! Stop waiting for god to make your life okay and start making the most of what you have got... Which is not much time on this planet!!

The third patient really was the sign of our times. A 15 or 16 year-old girl who was brought in with suspected appendicitis. Following exploratory surgery a gaenecologist visited to tell her that she had an infection in her fallopian tube caused by chlamydia - the clap - gross. Doubly gross when her wigger boyfriend came to visit her... He had STD written all over him.

As you can see my hospital visit was pretty bizarre... I hope that's the last time.

Slumdog Slavery

2009-04-20T15:23:00.003+12:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1171857/Father-denies-selling-Slumdog-Millionaire-star-200-000-bid-boost-fortune.html

It's hard to know how much, if any, truth there is to this story but as a father, it seems I cannot comprehend offering my child for sale, regardless of how poverty-stricken I am. I guess it's easy to say that from the comfort of my office instead of the filthy streets of a Mumbai slum but I don't think my bond or feeling of responsibility for my child would be any less. How can selling her to an Arab possibly offer her a better life? One of slavery and probably abuse is more likely and doesn't bear thinking about.

Apparently the girl's family are unhappy with what they have received from the film... I'll bet whatever they got is far more than they have had before and compared to the life they have had until the movie, they can probably now live in comparative luxury. It's amazing how quickly people are able to forget their gratefulness and greed kicks in! Instead of being happy for their recent fortune the father tries to exploit it by offering his daughter up for sale.

If it's true it is repulsive... And, if it proves to be true, I hope the father sees none of the benefits of her involvement in the movie.

Tattoos for the criminally stupid [NSFW]

2009-04-19T23:11:00.003+12:00

http://loltatz.wordpress.com/

I have tattoos. I like tattoos. Tattoos can be things of great beauty. Unfortunately there is a group of people out there, many of whom are featured on this website, that ruin it for the rest of us. Thankfully, they make up for their crimes against tattooing (and intelligent folk) by making us laugh!

Toxic Big Bird damaging kids

2009-04-17T11:17:00.003+12:00

http://www.globenewswire.com/ca/news_releases.html?d=162922

Why do these big pharmaceutical companies like Johnson & Johnson believe it's okay to use toxic, carcinogenic chemicals like formaldehyde in baby products? It's disgusting. I'm sure it's simply because these substances are cheap or make the product more appealing in some way (texture, smell, etc) but it's outrageous that they can continue to be sold as 'baby-safe' products.

Most baby barrier creams seem to contain petrochemicals for example - from what I've read J&J are one of the worst repeat offenders. They sell billions of dollars of baby products each year, surely making these products genuinely safe for our children is not going to send them bankrupt?

The Girl Effect

2009-04-15T14:12:00.003+12:00

http://www.girleffect.org/

Very cool website and it's all for social change... Which is nice. It's also up for a webby award - you can vote for it here if you like. It is very clever. I voted for it.

WTF? p.II - Bitty Dad

2009-04-15T10:15:00.004+12:00

http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/2333916/What-the-Kiwi-gossip-mags-say/

This article was on stuff.co.nz today - 'What the Kiwi Gossip Mags Say' - mentioning a 67 year old man who drinks his daughter's breast milk to help fight cancer. My first was reaction was one of disgust, then one of curiosity. Does breast milk really have medicinal properties against something as malignant (and incurable) as cancer? Or is this old man just using it as an excuse to satisfy his craving for 'bitty'?

A bit of googling has uncovered countless similar stories - though I hasten to add, very little in the way of genuine scientific support for the theory.

http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/strollerderby/archive/2008/12/23/man-says-drinking-breastmilk-cured-his-cancer.aspx

Make your own mind up... Viable cancer cure or unpleasant fetishist cocktail?

WTF?

2009-04-14T21:46:00.005+12:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1169592/The-baby-fleece-inspired-Aussie-jumpers-little-ones-warm.html

I'm lost for words on this one... Awesome is about all I can come up with. Anyway, the Daily Mail have said all that needs to be said! Hilarious.

We all need time to grow...

2009-04-14T19:05:00.008+12:00

http://io9.com/5210651/man-grows-5-centimeter-tree-branch-in-his-lung?autoplay=true

Check this out... Nasty, huh?! A couple of weeks ago I would have picked this for bullshit but since then I heard a similar story much closer to home. A friend of ours with a baby a little older than ours (old enough to crawl) found a lump in her baby's neck.

Fearing the worst she rushed the little imp into Starship (kiwi kids' hospital). After various tests, x-rays, etc the doc came back with a bizarre diagnosis. A grass seed had become lodged under the baby's skin and had germinated... The lump had grown as the seedling sprouted!

Apparently this is not uncommon in small kids. They've got plenty of folds of skin that can trap a foreign body like a seed when they're crawling around. In this case it most have got lodged deeply that it didn't get scrubbed out at bath time!

The moral of this tale? Not sure... I'm not going to stop my boy from exploring and it's hard to stop them eating - well, just about everything - so there's not much we can do except not panic too much if we find a lawn growing on their back.

"I'm not a gentleman, I'm a monster!"

2009-04-14T15:34:00.006+12:00

These words were spat out of the angry mouth of a toddler sitting next to me as I sat and had a coffee on Richmond Road this morning. It wasn't the only thing that spat out of his mouth but I'll come to that later. I'm pleased to say my little lad sat quietly [awake] in his stroller while this 'monster' behaved hideously for his grandma who had the misfortune to be looking after him.

It began with him demanding a hot chocolate. When said beverage arrived he yelled... "This isn't hot, it's WARM chocolate. Get me another one!" Poor granny was fairly taken aback and tried to show him that warm was good. But he wouldn't have any of it. Granny pointed out that he needed to learn some manners but only as she returned the chocolate to the waitress asking for it to be heated up a little.

Meanwhile 'monster' was busy pulling apart and making a mess of the gourmet sandwich granny had also [foolishly] bought him. It was at this point that she pointed out that gentlemen don't behave like that which was the cue for his smartass answer. Thank god it wasn't my kid. I could enjoy the humour of the situation without feeling like I needed to leave the little brat on the naughty step for a week!

The final straw came for granny when a pesky pigeon flapped onto their table while she was trying to deal with 'monster' in search of the sandwich filling strewn where the 'monster' was sitting. She shooed it away then watched in horror as monster hacked up the greenest phlegm ball he could muster and spat it at the offending pigeon. No pigeon deserves that. Not even the one-footed, disease-ridden monstrosities that plague London's King's Cross station. Suffice to say granny was horrified and only calmed down when 'monster' offered to turn himself in to daddy when he got home.

Whose fault is this? Do the kids take advantage of mum and dad's absence or granny's niceness? Or are they simply vile, spoiled little shits? One has to assume the latter and sympathise with grandma... Problem is, what can she do? I know I'd be bloody furious if granny was telling me how to bring up my kids - and, in their defense, my boy's grandparents have let us get on with things our way - but I'd want to know if he did anything as gross as this 'monster'. But then perhaps 'monster's' parents don't care and that's why he's like that.

Move over Martha

2009-04-13T21:52:00.003+12:00

I'm no Gordon Ramsay but I enjoy a spot of cooking. Yesterday, my mum-in-law brought over a huge box of feijoas - more than we can eat before they go off - so I've decided to try my hand at baking. I love eating baked goods... My wife claims to be a great baker but has never baked, insisting that I'll quickly become a fattie because of my love for baked goods. Well, since I'm at home all day and don't have much work I can't really afford delicious pastries from the bakery so why not make my own? I'm a new age sort of bloke - I can bake and still feel like a man!

So I'm going to try feijoa bran muffins - I found a recipe that doesn't sound completely chubby and bought a muffin tray. I'll let you know how it goes and if I miraculously grow boobs when I bake. What a wonderful housewife I am - next thing I'll be ironing my underpants.

Post natal depression - it's not just for mummies y'know!

2009-04-12T16:12:00.008+12:00

Have a read of this: http://www.newsweek.com/id/192914/page/1

Okay, so the correct term is postpartum depression for what fathers suffer. I can hand-on-heart say that I certainly suffered - perhaps not the depths of despair - but there were some pretty rough moments during our son's first 8-10 weeks. It culminated in my wife getting blood poisoning from suspected mastitis - which we later found out she could have died from - and me being a single dad for 4 days while she recuperated in hospital. Before this the stress for her had become very great and I found it really difficult to bear seeing her suffering so much. In addition, our baby could obviously sense that everything wasn't quite right and for much of his early life was screaming inconsolably for upwards of 4 hours at a time each day (for an exceptional coping method check my earlier post).

It's tough on fathers, particularly if our partner is suffering as well. We are expected [and need] to be strong during this time. I had given up full time work so I can only imagine what it's like for some dads who are not in a position to do this. It can be bloody awful but it's good to see that this is being recognised now and there is help (and other dad's sharing your experiences) out there. SadDaddy.com is a great site and can help you recognise the signs... Though your best bet if your feeling pretty low is to talk to someone.

After one 6 hour screaming session I almost wished that I could give our baby back and, for the first time I could understand how (though NOT sympathise with) some parents wind up hurting their babies in these fragile, early weeks. It drives some people up the wall and for those who are already unstable and/or depressed, it could be possible to make a bad or irrational choice that results in them harming their baby. With the number of child (particularly babies) abuse cases on the rise - especially here in New Zealand - it is so important to get help if you're feeling emotionally unstable. No matter how shit you're feeling there is no excuse for hurting your baby - and there isn't a jury in the world that's ever going to be sympathetic, no matter how bad your circumstances. GET HELP!

I've got to add something to this that really pissed me off. I heard about a woman that had gone through some pretty traumatic times when her baby was born. She told her GP she was feeling suicidal (she wanted to hurt herself not her baby) and was referred to Maternal Mental Health - a Health Board initiative in New Zealand for exactly this sort of thing. She got a letter 2 weeks after her referral to confirm an appointment 3 MONTHS later.

What fucking good is that?!

MUM "Hi, I'm going to kill myself because I can't cope with life, my baby, anything"
MATERNAL MENTAL HEALTH "Oh dear, we've got an opening in 3 months... Can you hold off from slitting your wrists until then?"

Fucking crazy! And we wonder why instances of child abuse are on the rise? Maybe these people did ask for help... But they killed their kid before Maternal Mental Health pulled its finger out of its arse.

How do I tell if my baby is gay? p.II

2009-04-12T09:46:00.010+12:00

http://jezebel.com/5204031/this-pageant-boys-mom-wants-to-turn-him-into-a-little-girl

Is it just me or is pageantry completely fucked up? But not nearly as fucked up as this insane mother that enters her boys into the pageants and wants them to be little girls! Does she not understand? You can't force a child to be gay [or a transvestite]!

NB It dawned on me after I wrote this that we are often guilty of doing the same with our little girls. We call them Tom Boys when we let them roll around in the mud playing army. Is it wrong to want our little girl to be a little boy? Almost certainly - though I suspect most Tom Boys are so by choice. I don't think many parents out there force their little girls to be like boys (and if they do it's wrong) but often girls that grow up with brothers, or with lots of boys in the neighbourhood will find it easier to fit and have more fun playing outside in the mud instead of inside with barbie.

If the little boys in the video wanted to enter pageants and loved dressing up like little girls all power to them! But that ain't the case!!

And look at the little girl further down with the modelling shot (pictured above) - it's just scary. Can't you people just let your kids be kids? Forcing them into pageants, or worse inflicting your bigotry on them (ref KKK pic above) is a form of abuse. Please stop populating the world with more bigots and damaged goods... And don't get me started about religion!

For centuries religious zealots have been indoctrinating kids when they're at their most impressionable stage - knowing that, if they don't, their faith will have no more sway than the Easter bunny - they believe everything their parents tell them. Let your kids grow up and decide for themselves.

By the way, my son's portfolio is available from ImAnAbsusiveControllingParentIdiot-MODELS.com he's available for autographs every Sunday after Sunday School at the Church of the Sacred Anus.

Vanity or good sense?

2009-04-11T19:07:00.005+12:00

This should probably be one of my top tips! This may be a shocking generalisation but I think mums are often a little more concerned about their baby's physical appearance than dads - we tend to be a bit more 'que sera sera' - but mum wants them to be perfect.

A great present for baby that'll keep you in your partner's good books is the Lovenest Baby Pillow. Developed by a [French] paediatrician the pillow is designed to support baby's head without him/her developing 'flat head'. Apparently flat head is quite a problem for young kids now because of the SIDS research that [rightly] encourages parents to make their babies sleep on their backs. It can sometimes take years (and even require a special helmet in extreme cases) for the child's head to return to normal, so the pillow's not just there to make the parents feel better!

We bought one and it really works. Our little lad has a beautiful round melon - his doctor said it was the most perfect baby's head she'd seen! So if that's important to your good lady (or you) - or your baby sleeps in ones spot all the time - get one, it'll surprise the wife... And make your baby the cutest at coffee group!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Babymoov-Lovenest-Head-Support/dp/B000CEM6XS

Exoskeletor

2009-04-10T23:19:00.005+12:00

http://i.gizmodo.com/5206539/mass-production-planned-for-hal-exoskeleton-your-personal-iron-man-conversion-to-cost-4200

$4200 (I'm guessing US$) doesn't seem too bad for your own robotic exoskeleton! What a world of possibilities it opens up! Of course, great for folk with physical disabilities but not bad for anyone harbouring any masked vigilante type fantasies... I thought it might be good for my wife. Since I'm the housewife now maybe with this she could carry me into the bedroom for a change.

Old dogs learn new tricks

2009-04-10T20:58:00.003+12:00

Today had a traumatic moment. Off subject somewhat, but our dog - a lovely old pit bull/English bull terrier cross - somehow choked on her breakfast. I ran out on the deck to find her convulsing on her back with spit and food everywhere. I pulled out a lump of food in her mouth and tried to pick her up but she was limp. Luckily I noticed there was more food in her throat which I managed to scrape out.

She promptly got up and tried to eat the food that had nearly killed her and was now spewed out across the deck - talk about a short memory! Dog's are amazing - it was bloody awful for us but she was right as rain in seconds.

Once I got over the trauma I was quite pleased with myself for saving her life... My good deed for the week.

Wild Things

2009-04-10T16:06:00.008+12:00

I have to admit, when I heard Spike Jonze was making an adult fairytale from Maurice Sendak's classic children's book Where the Wild Things Are I was pretty excited. Then I got really disappointed when I read that it had been canned indefinitely after Jonze's first cut was deemed too adult by the studio who wanted a family movie. But then I saw the trailer of the re-cut version.

And now I'm excited again - it might be a family movie but it looks dark and it looks fantastic. I don't care that my boy's not old enough to go yet... Because I am. Sorry grandma - you're babysitting!

Actually while I'm on the subject of movies I've heard there are baby screenings - basically movies where you can take your babies and it's okay if they cry. I'm going to try and find out more about these sessions and write a bit more about them!

TOP TIP: Back in black

2009-04-10T15:40:00.006+12:00

Mummies often want to dress their little darlings up in cutesie, cutesie, gender-specific duds. Men are different. We want our little angel dressed more like a little devil. We're straight onto the Metallica online store buying up jet black onesies, or googling for Led Zep tiny tees.

Well, here's a tip chaps, black might seem like a good idea but here are some reasons why zipping baby up in a stripey white and blue/pink jumpsuit is a better idea before you hit the town with your stroller:

Black might look cool, but it makes your bub look like a pasty, mottled pink little critter
Black hides zero sins - every little dribble and milky sick will glow on the dark background
If you happen to have a pet (particularly one with white hair, like us) then black seems to act like a magnet... Before long baby's killer AC/DC romper will look more like a mohair blanket
Babies aren't particularly clean - you'll be washing your favourite Alice Cooper onesie every 8 minutes - black will become pale grey before you can say "Nirvana killed metal in the '90s"

How do I tell if my baby is gay?

2009-04-10T14:56:00.007+12:00

Who cares?! Leave your medieval values in the dark ages, please.

I was watching something on TV (forgive me, I think it was Super Nanny - this kind of thing happens when you have kids!) when the dad in the family of that particular show was losing his rag with his little boy for dressing up in mummy's clothes. Basically he was terrified that his baby boy was 'becoming' gay.

For Christ's sake eighteenth-century throwbacks (and there are a shit load of you out there), this is the 21st Century, so give it a rest. Who cares if you're littlun is gay? If they are, then they were born that way, nothing you do or say is going to make them otherwise. They're still your baby boy/girl regardless and they'll grow up a lot happier if you just accept it and bury your prejudices with your ancestors.

5 XBox 360 titles to help cope with the stress of a crying baby

2009-04-10T11:07:00.011+12:00

I'd like to start this post by clarifying what type of gamer I am. I'm not some hardcore nerd that takes days off work to play the latest FPS (that's geek acronym for First Person Shooter) but I do enjoy a good game. Especially something with a bit of atmosphere that you can immerse yourself in like the Resident Evil series.

1. Fallout 3 - Huge post-nuclear war, open world set in Washington D.C., incredible graphics... Quite simply amazing. Not much you can say other than this game is awesome and can keep you playing for hundreds of hours!

2. Mass Effect - Sci Fi, great story (if a little cheesy), plenty of optional quests (though these can get a bit samey), beautiful graphics. Some loading problems - Mass Effect 2 is due in 2010 and sounds like it's going to be more of the same with all the bad bits fixed!

3. Gears of War 2 - Great graphics, pretty silly save-humanity-from-nasty-aliens type story but heaps of fun and plenty of action - though if I'm honest this game will be much better when my son's old enough to play the co-op mode!

4. Far Cry 2 - Another awesome, huge open-world tactical shooter set in a contemporary but imaginary African nation. Great one to get immersed in for a few hours.

5. Grand Theft Auto IV - Amazing graphics, great story and, if you ignore the hype about the very un-pc content, it's a riot... Especially as you get to drive around in some cool bikes and cars in some ultra-realistic, urban scenery.

I should point out that none of these games are NOT suitable for young kids. That's why it pays to have your red-faced screaming littlun on your knees or a cushion facing you not the TV and headphones on so they can't hear the sounds of your gunfire!

How to cope with a screaming baby

2009-04-09T22:37:00.008+12:00

The first few weeks are the hardest. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. From the minute my little bundle of joy arrived as a blue/grey Gollum-like imp on the stark, white cloth mat in the delivery room he screamed. He didn't let up until his mum was recovered enough to give him the breast. He only let up for the half an hour so he was on the breast and then, for about the next 8-10 weeks he continued to scream for at least 3, sometimes 4 or 5, hours everyday. It wasn't the kind of sorry-for-himself whimpering that he does when he's tired, or the frantic yelping of hunger but baleful wailing as if the world were about to end.

He was inconsolable during these times, no amount of rocking, snuggling or holding worked so I needed to find a solution. Somebody had suggested to me putting earphones in and listening to my ipod, but it wouldn't go loud enough to cover his bawling without risking permanent damage to my ears! Then I discovered a better solution... XBox 360. Not only can plugging a set of good headphones into your TV help block out some of the crying but the action helps keep your mind off what sound you can hear, while baby sits [un]happily on your lap. Now I only recommend this solution when all else fails, when he cannot be consoled and when your patience is running thin. It really works.

My next post will be to talk about what games I reckon are worth playing while you do this!

U-turn

2009-04-09T15:49:00.008+12:00

Well, not exactly a u-turn but certainly a change of direction. As you can see up until now I have been an infrequent blogger to say the least. Maybe it's because I was working 50 or 60 hours a week for a professional orchestra, maybe it's because I am lazy, maybe it's because I didn't really know what to write about - no theme - or maybe it's all those reasons.

Something has changed recently. My life. 3 months ago, on January 5th my [first] son was born. I was told it would be a life-changing experience. It was, and is. One of the first things I did was discuss with my wife the possibility of me being the primary carer - financially it made sense, but I wasn't sure how she would feel about it. She agreed - I think in part because she was happy to see the back of the orchestra and the back of sometimes 3 or 4 nights a week working. As a result I am now a stay-at-home dad who is also freelancing - though I'm not exactly turning away clients right now.

Firstly, I'd like to say - in all honesty - I love it. I love being there for every step of my child's development. Secondly, I LOVE not working. I have time for things I never used to. I feel very lucky. My wife is a successful freelancer and does not need to work a 40-hour week to keep us in food and nappies. So between us we can spend heaps of time with our baby and plenty of time for ourselves.

After the initial trauma of the first 6-8 weeks of not-knowing-what-the-fuck-is-going-on, looking after the baby has become relatively straightforward. He sticks to his routine [most of the time], my wife and I share the chores and I am left with plenty of free-me-time. Initially I used this time to great effect - doing nothing! I guess after years of working long hours it was just relief but eventually I started getting bored. But doing nothing couldn't last forever - or I would soon find myself doing something I really don't want to do... Getting divorced!

So here I am. I need something to fill my time - and it struck me that the online resources for stay-at-home dads were few and far between. I started looking at some of the mummy blogs, but they just didn't work for me. I mean you don't find the women on www.mamamia.com.au discussing using an Xbox 360, Fallout 3 and a pair of headphones as an effective way of coping with inconsolable, colicky babies!!

That's what I want to do... Talk with real stay-at-home dads about the things that make being a stay-at-home dad worthwhile. Coffee trips with pram and baby, video games, painting, listening and writing music, watching the Star Wars Trilogy (I choose to pretend Episodes I-III don't exist) are all viable and valuable activities for the stay-at-home dad.

I'm also going to talk about coping with being a dad... There doesn't seem to be much help for the stay-at-home father. I turned up for a coffee group and got the evil eye [as the only man in the room] each time one of the mum's had to suckle their kid. It's not my fault I don't have lactating tits! I considered taking my shirt off while bottle-feeding but I didn't want to scare any of the kids.

It feels too good to last - if I'm honest - which is where the title for my blog came from... I've got a snowball's chance in hell of keeping this going but if I can I want to create a guide for others to follow!

Comic? I think not

2008-06-10T18:26:00.007+12:00

This is a reprint of my column in Black Magazine:

Anyone who has read Dave McKean's Arkham Asylum knows 2 things - comics and graphic novels are not just about cheesy superheroes that wear their underpants the wrong way and no one has come close to making a Batman movie as sinister as McKean's vision in Arkham - though Batman Begins was a Hollywood step in the right direction. Anyone who has ever read a comic or graphic novel will also know that the good ones provide incredibly detailed storyboards to movie makers - great comic artists such as Frank Miller, Simon Bisley and McKean himself, compose each frame of the comic strip as well as the greatest cinematographer. The hardest thing I've discovered when writing about comic movie adaptations is choosing which 3 to write about - not only are there an awful lot of them but they account for some amazing films. From the stark brutality of Road to Perdition to the intense and stylised darkness of Sin City, modern cinema has brought a new audience to the graphic novel... And it's about time.

My first pick is the black sheep of the bunch for a number of reasons. From prolific graphic novelist, Alan Moore, From Hell is a retelling of the now famous mystery that shrouds the Ripper murders in Victorian London, and is considered controversial for altering much of the detail in Moore's original. I really enjoyed this movie despite dallying from its source and from some of the known facts surrounding the case. There are still enough unknowns that a bit of speculation about Jack the Ripper's real identity is acceptable.

Depp is convincing as the flawed hero Frederick Abberline, whose opium addiction and subsequent psychic episodes were probably the single greatest cause of controversy in the movie as they never appeared in Moore's version. However, this conflicted and disturbed hero sits well with the kind of anti-heroes we have come to expect in other great comics such as Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns - the direction of which I fervently hope the next Batman movie takes. From Hell is also unique among my choices because it sits firmly in the realms of reality - even if the vehicle trips the light fantastic from time to time. Jack the Ripper was real and the movie deftly flits between the seamy reality of working-class Victorian London and the sumptuous and decadent lives of its aristocracy.

Whenever we talk about movies made from comics it’s hard not to include a more traditional ‘superhero’-type film but the fare on offer - Batman of the 60s and 90s, Spider-Man of the 70s and 00s and disastrous efforts like The Rocketeer and The Phantom - have never really excited me. The pick of the Hollywood outings is probably the X-Men series but even they struggle to live up to their graphical namesake. I'm far more comfortable with anti-heroes hence why I've chosen the dystopian futuristic tale, V for Vendetta. I've never read the graphic novel but writer, Alan Moore, is responsible for arguably the greatest comic ever penned, Watchmen. V for Vendetta is another eminently stylish flick due largely to artist David Lloyd's rendering of Moore's story and once again benefits from some clever movie-making tricks.

The story owes as much to George Orwell's 1984 as the political climate in Thatcherite Britain with mysterious anarchist V terrorising a post (nuclear)-war totalitarian government in the guise of the infamous Guy Fawkes. His campaign is as theatrical as Fawkes' own attempt to blow up the houses of parliament and far more successful. V is not your typical superhero even if his vendetta is the result of a more traditional superhero's raison d’être - it is revealed that he was a test subject 'Batch 5', a drug which is ultimately responsible for his pathological vendetta. Fairly standard stuff, but we can always suspend disbelief for a decent yarn!

Like all good anti-heroes V is involved in some stunning action set-pieces and Moore's story is superbly well-placed. Perhaps my main reason for picking V for Vendetta is Alan Moore - or more specifically, Watchmen. Rumour has it that Watchmen is currently in production led by 300 director, Zack Snyder. This will be well worth waiting for as Snyder's treatment of 300 proved his passion and understanding for the genre and almost earned it a top three place.

Possibly the greatest adaptation to date is Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller's stunning film-noir, Sin City. Miller’s characters step from the pages of his books and grab the audience by the collar. The beautiful treatment of the film - that leaves everything in rich black and white except the blonde's hair, the buckets of blood, Clive Owen's Chuck Taylor's and that Yellow Bastard - and a visceral script, perfectly capture the dark, rain swept landscapes of Miller's nightmarish world. This movie oozes style and the casting is superb. It's hard to know where to start with so many brilliant performances, from Josh Hartnett's quiet Salesman and Bruce Willis' washed up city cop to Mickey Rourke's thug with a heart, Marv. One of the smartest decisions was to cast elf-a-like, Elijah Wood - utterly convincing as the creepy, mute cannibal, Kevin.

For the first time Rodriguez channels his considerable imagination into a coherent narrative by literally capturing Miller's images frame-by-frame. The movie is based primarily on three of Miller's own graphic novels, The Hard Goodbye, The Big Fat Kill and That Yellow Bastard and watches like an old James Cagney gangster film on crack. What's the best thing about Sin City? The super-stylish and utterly gruesome violence? The attention to detail? Jessica Alba in chaps? None of the above. The best thing about Sin City is that they're making another one!

Cargo Cults

2008-06-10T09:33:00.008+12:00

The cargo cults (religions) that sprang up in the South Pacific and, in particular, Papua New Guinea, are absolutely fascinating. These religions have evolved since the arrival of Western settlers and their technologically advanced 'cargo' to these (relatively) primitive cultures.

Western technology is what fascinated the primitive peoples, viewing the settlers and missionaries who receive the 'cargo' as mere conduits for the arrival of these 'godlike' materials. Some of these have developed into quite sophisticated religions in a single lifetime. Religions that share multiple attributes with much older, more established (and accepted religions).

I would be surprised if any theist would do anything but guffaw at the truth behind such cargo cults - waiving them away as mere superstition amongst primitive natives. Yet the similarities between these cargo cults and mainstream religion (that these same theists defend vehemently and regard as irrefutably true) are too many to be mere coincidence.

Few of these religions have stood the test of time (though the John Frum cult in Vanuatu survives) mainly as the indigenous peoples are quickly educated to the 'reality' of the cargo's origins. Conversely mainstream religion's roots (on the whole) have spanned many centuries and the falsehoods have been instilled and passed on for many generations making the religion far stronger in the minds of its thralls.

I doubt that these older cults were birthed by the introduction of some (unknown) advanced civilisation, but as human scientific knowledge had not advanced sufficiently to explain the cause of rainfall, thunder, lightning, volcanoes or earthquakes - these tumultuous events may well have appealed to the part of the human brain susceptible to supernatural belief.

[Un]intelligent design

2008-06-09T11:15:00.005+12:00

Many theists and, in particular, creationists, believe that the complexities of nature are too sophisticated to have occurred by chance ('evolution' being this chance) and this is evidence of design by some supernatural power. If you follow the theist argument that these natural occurrences are too unlikely to have appeared by chance (though evolution proves that it is not chance but natural selection that makes these unlikely occurrences possible) then by the same argument the obvious complexity and unlikelihood of a supreme designer requires the same explanation - so, who designed Him? (Richard Dawkins describes this far more eloquently and in more detail than I in his book 'The God Delusion').

I read this article recently - http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/4122119.stm - and it raises an obvious question. If there is a god that intelligently designed all life then why is life so flawed? A sperm whale that must hunt at great depths is susceptible to pressure induced sickness when it surfaces - that seems intolerably cruel at the hand of a designer, or was it just an oversight? A little unlikely if said designer is omnipotent or omniscient (though these two terms do seem somewhat mutually exclusive).

I'm sure there are many more examples of this occurring in the natural world but have not had time to do further investigating as yet... I am interested in information other people may have.